Put your hands up if you’ve never had an orgasm.

Now calm down. I know this topic isn’t exactly highbrow, and it would definitely not feature front page of the Guardian, but luckily this is MY blog post, in which I can talk about anything I want. I wouldn’t have brought it up unless I thought it was absolutely crucial- and I do. The fact is, us girls talk about how the sex is, rather than how many people we’ve slept with (and I don’t want to be stereotyping here, but to my knowledge men don’t sit around rating their orgasms.) In conversation, a few of my friends confided in me that they’ve never hit that sweet, sweet final note. Some never in their life, other’s just haven’t when with guys, or girls.

I want to talk about 5 ways to ease yourself girls; one of the key reasons some of you might be missing out, is because of the pressure you put on yourself to catch that wave. If you haven’t had one yet, it could be the tense determination you go into that latex two piece thing with, or that dread and worry that yet again, you’ll be left without a bone.

These suggestions are not cheesy how-to’s with pictures, or Cosmopolitan inspired erogenous zone diagrams; rather, this is an insightful and honest look at the way women approach orgasms in the bedroom. Listed below are my own personal top tips- conclusions I’ve come to from my own experience. Happy Orgasming!

no.1 Wear socks.

So this is probably the least known tactic which I believe is used by, and if not should be used by, women all over the world. I can’t remember where I read it, but this piece of advice drew on the notion that a lack of comfort during a sexual activity, will prevent you fully engaging and losing yourself to the Orgasmator. Now, having had orgasms with socks on and without, I can guarantee you that you don’t need socks to orgasm; but whilst sexy lingerie will release the inner vixen, socks will ease you, and act as that little piece of home you take with you when visiting the sparkling lights of the big city.

After googling to find stats to support this theory, I found an article in Men’s Health called 10 Annoying Things You Do During Sex, written buy a narrow-minded woman called Laura, as an instruction to men on what they shouldn’t do during sex. Now she’s stated that men shouldn’t wear socks; stating that “It’s just not visually attractive…You look like a toddler—and clearly, we don’t associate that with sexuality in any way.”  I think we can all agree Laura needs to jam; if men want to keep their clothes on, they can keep their clothes on. Who doesn’t like it when the passion of the moment takes over before fannypack and back pack can be released? If someone doesn’t want to go to funky town on the basis you’ve left your socks on, don’t even bother with them anyway.

Reassuringly, after researching the Mirror, I found that “A girl’s chances of having an orgasm increase by 30% if her feet are warm, say Dutch scientists.” Although backed up by an incredibly vague source, from an ambiguous newspaper at the best of times, I’m happy to produce some sort of credibility sticker.

no.2 Don’t focus on the end goal, focus on how you’re playing.

Football metaphor FTW. Just like a football player dribbling down the pitch, you want to focus on the current ball in play. A football player might be working towards scoring that goal, but if they focus to heavily on the net they’re going to miss that thug of a man that’s hurtling down the pitch towards them. And then BHAM. Transfer gone. Instead of focusing on the result, enjoy what you’re doing. If something feels nice just gently do more of it for the sole purpose of enjoying how it’s making you feel. The goal will end up right in front of you without you even having to worry about how it got there, and all you’ll need to do is tap that ball in and pull up your top in joyous celebration (though it’s probs already off if he’s got game.)

I know it may sound obvious, but you’re not going to think your way into an orgasm. Your vagina isn’t going to think wow, that’s some great thinking skills, better orgasm now!

When it seems like your trying to hold an emergency conference meeting in your head with the representatives of your vagina, just remember they know how to do their job. The only job you have is to enjoy yourself! That’s what’s so great about being the CEO.

no. 3 Take a break.

Nonsensical and completely contradictory at first perhaps: If you stop hanky-pankying how will your clit get it’s bit? Stopping is the best thing you can do however for an overactive mind: Not forever, not even for the evening, but just for a few minutes. I once did a fart, which although amusing to me, caused him to humph and hah onto the other couch, whilst iterating that I’d ruined the mood. After 5 minutes of watching Rick and Morty however in a surreal silence, the activities started up again and the result was electric. Thank you, thank you. Maybe it was the delayed pleasure response thing, or maybe it was the fact that any tension I had been harbouring from trying to keep the fart in had finally dispersed. We had a GREAT time, to the sound of the I’m Mr. Meesees Look at me!

There’s no point in inwardly beating yourself up. Depending on how close you are with your other wildcat, you can either say ‘ahh I’m totally overthinking this can you tell me how pretty I am?’ or you can say ‘Babe uncuff me, I need the bathroom’. The first option is better; you’ll have a cute little cuddle, and your man will give you those gorgeous puppy dog eyes, and tell you it’s ok and that ‘we can stop if you want’: I guarantee that you’ll just want to rip his understanding clothes off there and then. Obvz if it’s a tinder date and you cba telling him how you feel, then going to the toilet will just help clear your headspace. It’ll allow you to be in a different breathing space and in an atmosphere which has a 0% expectation rate. Then you can remind yourself of how fit you are in the mirror, remind yourself that they’re reaching and you’re settling, and then go back in there with a 0% expectation mindset- for you and of him.

no. 4 Orgasm Balm.

The practical hands on approach. I’ve tried it and it works. Simple as. It is FIRE. I’m going to list a few sites that sell it- Love Honey is the cheapest and the best in my opinion. It’s extremely discreet, which is good if your parcels get sent to the shop below your apartment like in my case; also good if you’d just rather not broadcast to the world that you’re going 50 shades of funnnn tonight. Orgasm boosters can be found in the ‘for her’ section and in the ‘for him’ section, so whether you want to intensify your big O as a guy or a gal it’s possible.

Anne Summers: Better Sex for Her  – Expensive

Durex: Intense Gel – Didn’t really do anything

no.5 Wait between takes.

My final suggestion. Wait between bed hopping, couch hopping or whatever. It’s crucial to give your clit time to regenerate nerve endings. I don’t even know if i’m being scientifically accurate here or if I’m completely bsing, but I find that if I wait from a night to a week it’s SOOOO much better. Bottom line, the longer you wait the more sensitive you’ll be and the more intense it’ll feel. Girls, do you ever find that you’re so much hornier during and straight after your period than before? It may be because of hormones or whatever but I think some of it MUST be down to the fact you haven’t touched yourself down there in days.

Just think about it.

And so these are my tips that I leave you with- PLEASE go and have an orgasm on me, I have an unlimited tab going on the orgasm bar, and orgasms are on me allll night.

 

 

Why we should all be too busy to write.

Too busy to write

I love this photo. Of the two lovers, sat together in blissful harmony, not giving a toss about the photographer. They don’t smile sweetly, pretending to miss the people back at home that they’re writing the card to; rather,they stick it in their faces quite brashly and triumphantly, that they’re much ‘too busy to write.’ She’s probably just bought that fabulous hat somewhere down the promenade, and he’s probably wondering how quickly he can get it off.

But why would I entitle my blog ‘Too busy to write’? When you’re starting a blog, do you really want to open with that? What can the readers then possibly expect? Lots of blog posts? Unlimited content isn’t exactly the tagline. Trust me, I’m not punkishly making some sort of ironic statement about blogging.

Found in a vintage shop, dated to the early 1900s, this postcard was sat in a box filled with postcards from the wartime from lovers to their brave soul mates who were out on the front getting shot. This postcard comes from an era of pure rawness. Truth. ‘Life before anything’, in a time when life was so precious. The postcard has heart. Triumphantly the photo speaks the message, even without the text written below in relief: ‘Too busy to write’.

I’m off the grid and I don’t need a map.

Now I’m not suggesting running away from people mid conversation whilst flailing your hands about, yelling that you have living to do, or casually throwing in your work assignment with the lofty assurance to your lecturer that life isn’t going to live itself; but SURELY life is worth a few worried texts from your mates asking where you are (Hellloooo I’ve been off the grid get with- and by off the grid I mean down in Aldi carpark with a bunch of lowlifes playing with trolleys).

Of course, if you’re backpacking off to Iraq for a year, probably make sure to send home a few ‘I’m not dead” texts, but being busy living life does not go hand in hand with Whatsapping your friends and family 24/7. Your landlord isn’t going to impromptu start telling you how he flew in a plane with Richard Branson to help give aid in Baghdad without you taking an interest in having a conversation first (I found out last week that my Landlord is a mini don.)

I don’t think anything is as interesting or relevant as what’s going on right in front of you.

Turn off the Beeping, you’re not a self-checkout.

I’ve proudly been too busy to write my entire life. My phone always had to stack up at least 5 missed calls before I thought about calling back. I also constantly still leave my phone on silent too, so even though I’ve eliminated the constant beeping, whenever I lose it and friends enthusiastically bop up and down reassuring me they’ll ‘just ring it’, we’re always met with a soul crushing silence. Emails I’ll get back to, because they always resembled something of the desired professional life to me, (just as I loved receiving letters; the antithesis to my mum’s reaction of dread) but texts and inboxes, unless from a seriously hot guy, can do one. It’s not that I don’t enjoy communicating with people, in fact I love it, but I’ve always resented the constant jabbering of virtual messages. When I was in school it wasn’t a problem, because I knew considerably less people then. But now I’m a graduate with a hefty 3,330 friends on Facebook, and believe me, one social media account is enough.

Put that bitch on the list.

The Neo-liberalism attitude that characterises most of my generation attacks daily via a constant stream of messages, which follow up with the entitled ‘??’ messages, followed by the follow up ‘??????’ messages that passively aggressively demand I respond within the hour on the hour. Who are they to ‘?” me?? I’ll admit I’m writing this with a few naysayers in mind, most of whom I’ve ticked everything I can and put them on as many lists as possible on Facebook to see as little of them as possible without actually unfriending them (because who wants the drama whilst you still see them), but the demand for people’s attention is growing at a grotesque level.

No I won’t hold your hand, and no I won’t get you an Ice-Cream.

I can only liken this to a small child. You know when you have a little cousin or niece, or some sibling maybe who falls under the age of 13, who really wants your attention and won’t stop until it is definitely and undividedly theirs? That’s what phones and messages are. Scene: You in a piff clothes shop. You’re shmizing, doing some shopping, enjoying some well-earned R&R when suddenly your phone makes that sound. BEEEEEP. Now you know that it isn’t someone asking how you are, because when is it ever; most likely it’s going to be someone asking you for something. So you stop, pull out your phone and read the message. You bash out a reply and submit yourself eagerly back to the boobtubes: maybe it was a message on Facebook so now you’re scrolling. Either way your solitude has been broken. Whatever reverie you were in, or whatever little daydream you were indulging in has suddenly disappeared. Because SOMEONE thought they were more important than the vision of you striding out of the sea, Baywatch style and in slo-mo, whilst watched, adored, by everyone you know who was all at the same beach AT THE SAME TIME.

And in the style of small and annoying children, giving them attention will just make them vie for more, and for the rest of the afternoon you pander to every noise your phone makes.

Remembering you in a swimsuit is more important than them.

The thing is, they’re not as important as your reveries, and they can wait until you make time to reply. They’re minor if the next person you see is h-o-t. Since when did ‘providing people you know with validation’ come inscribed on people’s bodies alongside ‘Carpe Diem’?

And so my Blog will be called ‘Too busy to write’, because it’s the indulgent attitude that we all should all adopt, to the sorrow of those that demand we pay them round the clock attention. It’s the ethos for those of us that don’t want to be constantly available to others, but always available to ourselves. It’s the back we turn on our whining phones, until they sulk themselves into maturity.

And like children, they’ll probably end up loving us even more.